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13th December
written by Dame Suzy

Upon hearing that my man’s British colleague was on part of his twelve weeks of paternity leave and was often quite bored, I began to wonder whether paternity leave indeed was this cozy, adorable bonding thing that was giving men a lucky treat in getting to know their children for the first time.

Then I remembered what babies are like in these early months: light-sleeping, needy, pooping, peeing, slobbery, blobby little creatures who are stuck in whatever position you put them and just stare at you with their hazy vision, probably wondering what the heck you are.

Isn’t it bad enough that parents have to deal with nights of interrupted sleep for an average of six months? How about giving at least one of the parents a break from their spawn so that they can speak like adults for a few hours of the day and not be reduced to “gootchie goos” and “boo boo’s got a poopy”?

Actually, smart fathers should use their paternity leave to leave their babies with a nanny and take a vacation somewhere exotic, where they could sleep in every day, drink exotic beverages and forget that their penises did something to change the lives of the man and penis forever.

Yet somebody has to take care of the baby, so for the first six weeks, it’s probably best that the mother do it, since she’s already endured enough pain and discomfort that she can tolerate a few more weeks of a limited existence and not wish she were in some alternate reality where babies were banned. Unfortunately, few others would/could put up with babies that young.

I call for the liberation of men from paternity leave. Let the women suffer through pregnancy, childbirth, and the aftermath. Let the men escape to their workplaces for sanity, albeit tinged with drowsiness.

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