Archive for May, 2011

24th May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

Brazil’s congress has passed a law awaiting signature by the president to require underwear manufacturers to label about 735 million pieces of lingerie annually with advice to get screened for cancer or use condoms to avoid it.

How about labeling Brazilian bikinis with warnings that they may cause heart palpitations, heart attacks, rape, or death? Or labeling airline tickets to dangerous parts of the world with skulls and crossbones?

Seriously, stop adding more burden on manufacturers in a shitty economy and stop smoking the hash; it’s clouding your judgment.

15th May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

A new tool will soon be within reach when I go to Europe and encounter men who complain that they can’t feel anything with “that thing” on. They are referring of course to the condom. The new Viagra condom contains a gel that increases blood flow to the penis, making the erection rock steady. I figure at least their rock-hardness will distract them from their prejudice. That’s my hope anyway because whiny men don’t inspire me or my vagina.

11th May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

This is what several articles and talk shows have discussed. That 31,000 women last year signed up on AshleyMadison.com to find an alternative mate due to disappointment on the day they are supposed to be appreciated.

I can relate. My Mother’s Day was the shiitiest on record. No gift from my grade schooler, no one in the family even told me Happy Mother’s Day except my own mother, and because my man had chosen the night before to stay up late working, the next morning as I got up, he said don’t wake me till two. Which meant I had to go to the grocery store myself so the family wouldn’t starve. I had to vacuum the mess from a two-day-old sleepover my daughter would not pick up herself, and a few other things happened that sucked.

I tried to salvage the day by taking my son to the pool, and my man came a little later, and it was nice. He then barbecued steaks and lamb chops and made Israeli cous-cous and sauteed mushrooms.

But by the time we’d gone to the fancy grocery store, of course their delicious fruit tarts had been sold out, so I was expecting him to bring one home the next day on his way back from his afternoon date with a very average chick. But to my surprise at 7pm, disappointment at 8:00, annoyance at 8:30, and anger at 9:00, I decided to stop waiting for him to come home. I started getting ready to go out at 10:30, adrenaline pumping, and by 11:15 I was ready to go but he came home (almost 8 hours after he’d left) and forced me to talk about it, called me irrational and blowing things way out of proportion when my voice rose.

I left with him still trying to talk to me in the garage, and I yelled out that I wasn’t taking my phone.

Had I not had a GYN appointment the next day, or had I been sluttier or less mature, I may have gotten drunk and hooked up with some guy. But I instead went on a search for a good fruit dessert. By 1:00am I was home with a mediocre but consolation piece of blueberry lemon cake. And I made my man wake up to take the kids to school the next morning.

I’ve decided not to wait around for him anymore. I have to get out more, be an individual again, and screw motherhood.

7th May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

bra with lip-shaped push-up pads
Why on God’s green earth would someone think that having two full lips imprinted in your breast tissue would ever be comfortable? Cute, but I’ll pass, thanks.

6th May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

I have finally been given permission by my man to post pictures of myself. This one I took myself – using a Canon EOS Rebel XT with a 55mm / 1.4 lens and Aputure remote control (highly recommended) in the apartment I rented in Barcelona.

Dame Suzy in a turquoise dress

I will put up more pictures in the coming weeks and months, as my vanity knows very few bounds.

Now you know the body behind these blog posts.

3rd May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

The U.S. military believed that burying Usama/Osama Bin Laden at sea would prevent his gravesite from becoming a shrine, and I agree. But can you magine how useful that would be?

Like the theory of a criminal always wanting to visit the scene of his crime, those suspects in terrorism would surely visit his gravesite. Bin Laden should have been buried in the ground as a military strategy.

What better way to capture supporters than requiring identification, blood samples, fingerprints, or whatever to gain access?

Here’s where my suggestion gets extreme and controversial. U.S. forces could brand an identifying mark like a bulls-eye on each visitor’s forehead. Sure, this would become a source of pride for any Bin Laden supporter, but it would sure make it easier to pick them off and get rid of them in short order if we so desired. Also, there could be comparisons to how Jews were branded with numbers. I know, I make you angry saying this shit. So I follow with a much more relaxed approach.

A tolerable alternative would be to spray them with a dye only visible with the use of ultraviolet light. Then, this spray would only last days, we could possibly track these people, but if in those days nothing happened, no harm no foul.

2nd May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

Say what you’d like, but I don’t think it’s mere coincidence that sees Madrid’s defeat at the Bernabeu to a much lesser team occur right after Mourinho announces to the world that the team he coaches doesn’t stand a chance in its game at Camp Nou. Allowing three goals to Zaragoza is simply unheard of.

I am pissed because Real Madrid has the potential to become a solid team, not simply dependent on big names but actually gel as a team. Granted, the manner of picking players with different playing styles doesn’t help, but I really want them to succeed without the flash of cash they’re known for.

Stop badgering your players, Mourinho. You are single-handedly responsible for your team’s last performance.

1st May
2011
written by Dame Suzy

Thank God that Osama Bin Laden didn’t get to die of old age. I’m sick of evil leaders living long and easy.

Today, I’ll even celebrate with our generally misguided president with the eerily similar name that my man and I have accidentally said in Osama’s place. Whoops!

Let’s see what happens next.