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20th June
written by Dame Suzy

I accidentally passed through the back-splatter machine at the airport in March, and my man said, “Never do that again!”

So when I was asked to pass through it earlier this month, I asked for the pat-down instead. As I am always happy to experience new things, I went in with enthusiasm.

And at first it was very pleasant, like a gently massage. The TSA agent was polite, respectful and average-looking, not scary at all. She explained the process and put on gloves, just placing her hands firmly here and there and quickly swiping down my sides, back, legs, and arms. She used the back of her hand to feel under the wire of my bra on either side and then in the middle.

Then she advised me she would be putting her hand up the sides of my thighs and that’s where things got questionable. She quickly slid up either thigh and both times when she reached the intersection of crotch and leg, her hand moved my panties enough that it woke up my clit. A little happy whizz happened each time. Hmm, that seemed wrong.

I cannot imagine a child having to submit to these pat-downs. Would their first memories of sexual pleasure be associated with TSA agents? As for me, I’m not thrilled to have to do that again. And I wonder how to avoid that little whizz the next time around. Should I wear no panties at all under a skirt? That hardly seems proper. But maybe going nude under it all is the insane answer to an insane practice.

Note: the middle of my bra doesn’t actually touch my sternum. There’s a good three square centimeters’ worth of space underneath which could technicallly hold something.

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