Archive for August, 2011

31st August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

The simple answer is that you can’t. The longer answer is that if you start to cheat, your behavior changes in some way, but it could change in completely different ways and you could get away with it.

What signs give you away or not?

ATTENTIVENESS
You’re unable to concentrate on what your spouse is saying. However, this is easy to mask if you usually don’t pay attention to her anyway. OR you pay extra attention to him to compensate for the amount of time you’re spending thinking about your lover.

WORK
You’re unable to focus on work because you’re fantasizing about when you get to see your lover again. OR you have renewed vigor and confidence, so you excel at work again.

KIDS
You distance yourself from your children. They distract you from your thinking about pure unadulterated sex, so you don’t get as much joy from joking around with them as much. OR, you are happier in general so you play even more than usual with them and are truly happy to be with them knowing you’ll see your lover sometime in the near future.

MARRIED SEX
You lose interest in sex with your spouse, giving lame typical married-people excuses. Again, this could be the status quo, so it would go unnoticed. OR you fuck your spouse more often than you have in years. She thinks it’s her new haircut. Or he thinks it’s some new way he moves his hips that he read about in the newspaper.

ROLLER COASTER EMOTIONS
Okay, all of this if it were on an even keel would work. But the fact of the matter is that all relationships have ups and downs and affairs are no exception. Generally, you will face feelings of rejection in which case you’ll be down in the dumps. You remember that kind of thing, whe the guy you had been seeing didn’t call you for days and you were like, WTF? You may seem like a manic depressive to your spouse. It’s hard to mask this, even with excuses of, “I’ve had a hard day at work” or “my aunt died,” and such lame lies.

Now on to the advice. What – you thought I’d leave you hanging? If you can actually influence your behavior, the best way to hide your affair is to be the happy, reinvigorated, confident new person you feel like you are. Blind him with passion. At least you’ll be spending happy moments with him and not be distancing yourself, obsessing about that lover that could drop you in a heartbeat and leave you in the gutter. You’ll also be insulating yourself against an emotional breakdown when your fling falls flat or has a down period.

Have it all and eat your cake too, as long as you can. It may end at any time.

And if this is all happening in the context of an open relationship, don’t be foolish enough to think your spouse wants to hear about all the ups and downs. However, if you have one like mine, who constantly asks me, “What’s wrong?” sometimes you can tell the truth. That you just miss Lover X.

29th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

It finally happened!! A hot guy sitting right next to me. I’m not saying objectively he was perfect, but he was a 9 for me and I’m sure many other women would find him delectable.

Jet black hair, muscular thighs, beautifully tanned skin, one of those semi-shiny T-shirts that revealed great back muscles, and a nice muscular body in general. Light hairs on his arms, mmm. And he wasn’t a baby, in spite of his chiseled face with smooth skin. *Sigh*

And I kept sneaking looks at his thighs, his package which was sadly smashed by the tight crotch of his pants, and his arm, his shoulder, his head, his cheek. And then I tried to take a nap and could only manage to start a vivid fantasy about how after the flight landed he would lift me against the wall in the airport and slip his beautiful cock into me. Back in reality, I kept touching my lips – they needed to be touched – and I wrapped my legs tightly around each other to quell my girl bits, and meanwhile, felt short-of-breath and that liquid fire routing itself through my nervous system signalling that my various body parts were like We want that! I wonder If he noticed.

Then when I bothered to look at his face, I saw a really handsome one. Funny thing is that in the beginning when he moved out of the way so I could get to my seat, I didn’t really pay attention. I only noticed his face when our fellow traveler – I’ll call him the suspicious fidgety terrorist-in-training – got out to supposedly go to the bathroom. Then when the hot guy and I started actually chatting upon our flight’s descent, I noticed that gorgeous smile. Ahhh.

And he said he’d just moved to my city a month before with his wife and son, and how he didn’t really get out much since he worked from home. And that they hadn’t even been downtown yet. And I offered to take them out.

But I really just wanted to find a dark corner somewhere and please him and have him ravage me.

But my not being trained in how to seduce a married guy and also thinking that’s crass, we parted without my offering my number (even a 20 percent chance would have been better than 0%), my knowing full well that I would very unlikely run into this stimulating recluse ever again.

But at least and the fidgety guy didn’t blow up our plane though he was strangely missing from his seat the last hour of our flight including while we were landing. Weird?

Oh, yeah, so in case you thought there was an Act II, there isn’t.

15th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

So 60 were killed in Iraq in a dozen attacks on Monday. Um, hello, American forces aren’t out yet. If Al-Qaeda were smart, they would keep everything quiet till we were out of there, THEN wreak havoc on security forces. In so doing, they’d have free reign on clamping down on the Iraqis.

Or do they actually want the U.S. to stay? Is it good to have their Big Bad Wolf in their faces, so that they’re kept in the international spotlight? Without an enemy intervening, they’d have nothing to bitch about, would they?

Listen, Al Qaeda, Little Red Riding Hood you are not.

15th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

I just read an article about a girl who went home with a guy, had sex with him, then was held down by that guy while his friend raped her. What the fuck?

It used to be that going home with a guy meant you’re supposed to sleep with him, at least according to guys. So nowadays, if you go home with a cute guy and his friends, do you have to sleep with them too? Guys I meet often ask for threesomes without any provocation. Maybe they’re just being good friends. After all, they don’t want their buddy to get nothing because that wouldn’t be fair. That’s me being generous. But in my experience, these guys are pushy and annoying. And a threesome has never come out of being an asshole.

What if a girl goes home with a guy and finds out he has roommates? Does modern protocol mean she has to sleep with everyone in the house? Hell no!

If you want to have a threesome, both of you have to charm me. And no, that doesn’t mean one can be twice as charming, enough for both of them. And don’t rape me. Jesus. Talk about making threesomes unpopular. If you want to promote threesomes so badly, throw coersion and rape far, far out of the equation. You’re giving threesomes a bad name!

And if you can’t charm the girl, then get your own one-night-stand. Let the victor get the spoils; and you who missed out get a beer from the frig. Then the next day, go to the gym, shower, make yourself pretty, and charm your way into some other girl’s pants.

13th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

We’ve got the crazy blonds in Norway, the looting in Britain- and with temperatures up to the low 70’s you can’t blame the heat – continued chaos and death in Syria, random acts of violence in popular parts of Philadelphia possibly connected to extreme temperatures in the 100’s,…

I hate to admit it, but some of this shit will taper off considerably when school starts. In the case of Norway, there won’t be hundreds of teenagers at camp open to attacks, in Philadelphia and many of those kids will return to school. In Syria, perhaps potential victims who previously would be in the streets protesting, will bury their noses in books.

With the international economy in the crapper, older people are part of the problem, like in Britain. So the fall won’t bring instant peace, but let’s hope for a reprieve.

Good riddance, summer.

13th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

Have your cocaine, pot, heroin, crystal meth, cocaine, and all that, but don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt anyone but you.

Socially I’m pretty tolerant about drugs being done around me. I don’t feel like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sip my cocktail, down my shot, or have an ice cream, while those around me do the other stuff. If nothing better, it’s a study of the human animal at its most dependent.

But when I hear about another group of slayings performed by Mexican drug cartels, I’m furious. Fifty or a hundred Americans giving up drugs may save one life of the 41,000-and-counting dead neighbors to our south.

For me, it’s worth knowing that I’m not contributing to that figure with my bad habits. Though I won’t preach to people in public because that would be too much like religious crap, I’m writing here to encourage people to think about it. 41,000 isn’t incidental; it’s epidemic, as is the international nonchalance about the effect of our drug habits.

Have some strawberries instead and save a life.

12th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

I read this article about a bear attack on a Norwegian island, and was wondering if they were referring to the crazy blond fucker that killed all of those young people. But no, this was an actual polar bear.

Something must be in the island water; the blonds attracted to Norwegian islands are insane.

As if Norway needed another reason to skip it as a travel destination.

12th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

Granted, I didn’t hit a strip club this time, and maybe I would have been pleasantly surprised at how happy and healthy the strippers were, but I’d say that the lack of people shopping, the half-empty restaurants everywhere, and the plethora of fat, ugly people, I’d say L.A. is looking like it’s becoming a shit hole. Hermosa Beach itself was covered in little blobs of tar from petroleum leaked from oil rigs off shore.

Maybe it had already been shit before and I’d just shielded myself from it, but I’m constructing the tombstone for L.A. as we speak.

12th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

Victoria Beckham for her endurance of four pregnancies in a relatively brief period of time, a successful clothing line and fashion icon status. Heidi Klum for her commitment to family and fabulousness. This new season of Project Runway has her appearing in gorgeous, chic clothing with a face to match. In previous seasons she’s appeared dowdy and plain, but not now! Jessica Simpson for her ability to climb out of her being perceived as “dumb” to producing shoes that are unparalled. Seriously, girl, your shoes are amazing!! Forget about your weight fluctuations, your contribution in the shoe department alone gives you A+ status in my book.

I had felt sorry when I’d seen Geena Davis in a movie about a decade ago looking old. I think she’s such a gorgeous, watchable actress and my favorite role of hers was in The Long Kiss Goodnight. According to recent pictures, she’s looking the beautiful starlet again! Yay!

12th August
2011
written by Dame Suzy

I think it’s so cute when people kiss for all to see. And for some strange reason, they are almost always photogenic. This can be celebrities to some random Jack and Jane hooking up never to see each other again. Been there, done that.

It’s just soooo cute!